The Subtle Art of Noticing Slippery Requests: A Leader’s Guide to Boundaries and Communication

Have you ever found yourself saying yes to something and then wondering how exactly you got there?

You didn’t explicitly agree, and yet… you’re doing the thing.

That’s the power, and danger, of what Alan Sieler calls slippery requests.

These are moments when someone makes a request, but the language they use sounds more like an instruction, a statement, or even a gentle suggestion. And if we’re not paying attention, we can fall into the trap of treating it as an obligation, rather than recognising it as a choice.

What is a slippery request?

Slippery requests are often cloaked in the language of assumed compliance. They might sound like:

“Can you get this to me by tomorrow?”

“I need you to sort this before the end of the day.”

“Give me a call when you’ve got five.”

“Take this to Lisa and get her to sign it off.”

They sound like facts or polite directions. But they’re not.

They are requests, which means, according to speech act theory, you have options in how you respond. John Searle’s work on speech acts reminds us that language doesn't just objectively describe the world, it creates it. And if we aren't noticing what kind of speech act is happening, we can find ourselves caught in someone else's agenda without ever consciously saying yes.

Five Response Choices

Alan Sieler, a leading voice in ontological coaching, points out that when someone makes a request, you always have four legitimate responses:

You can accept and commit to the request.

You can decline the request and give a reason.

You can decline the request without a reason.

You can commit to decide later.

You can make a counter offer.

All five are valid. Yet many professionals, especially those who identify as conscientious, supportive, or team players, can find themselves defaulting to acceptance, even when it stretches them too thin. The result? Overcommitment, quiet resentment, and potentially burnout.

Why does this happen?

Because slippery requests are effective. They're phrased in ways that bypass our boundaries, often landing in our nervous systems as something we should do, rather than something we can choose to do.

And for those of us raised, trained, or socialised to be helpful, obliging or agreeable, declining, or even negotiating, can feel uncomfortable or disloyal. That’s where coaching can help.

How ontological coaching can help

Ontological coaching works at the level of language, mood, and body. It helps people become more conscious of how they show up, how they observe, what they hear, and how they respond.

A coach working ontologically might help a client explore:

Their internal listening: What meaning are they assigning to a request? Do they hear “Can you help with this?” as “You should help with this or you’re not a team player”?

Their use of language: Do they know how to make a counteroffer or negotiate without feeling rude? Are they confident in using the full range of responses to requests?

Their body posture and mood: Are they unconsciously shrinking, bracing, or placating when requests come in? Are they operating from a mood of resignation, anxiety or obligation?

From this exploration, coachees can access a more grounded, choiceful place. They learn to:

Pause and recognise that a request is a request.

Check what capacity, willingness, and authority they have to respond.

Respond with integrity and agency, without guilt.

It’s a subtle shift. But as with many things in leadership and life, subtle doesn’t mean small. Noticing slippery requests, and choosing how you respond is foundational to maintaining boundaries, building trust, and staying in sustainable contribution.

A brief reflection

Next time someone says “Can you just…” or “I need you to…”, pause for a moment. Ask yourself:

Is this a request?

Do I want to accept, decline, negotiate, or decide later?

What would support me in making that response with clarity and grace?

And remember: boundaries aren’t barriers to generosity, they’re what make sustainable generosity possible.

What’s your experience with slippery requests? How do you help your team navigate the hidden dynamics of language? I’d love to hear in the comments.

#OntologicalCoaching #LeadershipCommunication #SpeechActs #BoundariesAtWork #AlanSieler #JohnSearle #CoachingInTheWorkplace #EmotionalIntelligence